Monday, January 21, 2013

I hate to ask for help.


It's true. I hate it. In fact, I hate this post right now. And I hate my 2013 word for the year too.

{I'm sure it's a pride issue; I need to work on it.} 

But mostly, I hate asking for help. Or support. Because I'm the supporter, the encourager, the good friend. I'm the one people turn to in times of crisis. And while some of the people might tell me "you rock" or "you're awesome," the little voice in the back of my head translates all that to "damning with faint praise." Like they feel they have to say that, to pay me back for listening to them in crisis, or to appease their conscience for some reason. I do not, in any way, rock and I'm not awesome.

Mainly, I'm tired and afraid.

Today on her blog, Holley the Dream Team Guru asked everyone to find a dream-team buddy. To find a friend or a few to support and encourage.

I clicked on my friend Teri Lynne's blog post for the Dream Team, and was just floored by how many supporters she has pictured there. {Not surprising--she is totally awesome, a gifted writer and communicator. Plus she helped me pull a B in college debate so she has my eternal gratitude forever.}

And I feel kind of alone, stuck up here in Alaska, 3-4 hours behind most of my readers (Google tells me there are 21 followers). The moose haven't even been by to see me lately.

Plus, I can't even articulate what my dreams are. I mean, I have them...but they are so ridiculous and my follow-through over the years has been so abysmal, I feel like I can't even WRITE it down.

So . . . there it is. Bare on the page. I feel alone and left behind, stuck three weeks into the new year and afraid to say anything aloud because I'm afraid of failure, again.

Edited Monday Morning: Teri Lynne responded to my comment on her blog, and I feel marginally better this morning. She wrote:

Oh Pattie … I searched high and low for a photo of us! Because truly you are definitely a key part of the team that has influenced, encouraged, and loved on me! I am thankful for our friendship that began in August 1989 … and for the way the Lord has intertwined our paths time and again since that first meeting in Leslie Hall!!

So there you go . . . believe me, I considered throwing this post away, this little pity party. I may yet. But for now, it stays up. Hopefully it encourages those of you who are recipients of encouragement to encourage your encouragers--they sometimes feel depleted, empty, and alone.

2 comments:

Maria Summers said...

Pattie, oh Pattie. We are so so alike. I felt every word you wrote.

Christine said...

Hugs to you, dear friend! Tired, yes...but never alone. Though we're miles and hours apart, you can always call me if you need an ear to bend ♡ I miss you!