I hate to ask for help.

It's true. I hate it. In fact, I hate this post right now. And I hate my 2013 word for the year too.

{I'm sure it's a pride issue; I need to work on it.} 

But mostly, I hate asking for help. Or support. Because I'm the supporter, the encourager, the good friend. I'm the one people turn to in times of crisis. And while some of the people might tell me "you rock" or "you're awesome," the little voice in the back of my head translates all that to "damning with faint praise." Like they feel they have to say that, to pay me back for listening to them in crisis, or to appease their conscience for some reason. I do not, in any way, rock and I'm not awesome.

Mainly, I'm tired and afraid.

Today on her blog, Holley the Dream Team Guru asked everyone to find a dream-team buddy. To find a friend or a few to support and encourage.

I clicked on my friend Teri Lynne's blog post for the Dream Team, and was just floored by how many supporters she has pictured there. {Not surprising--she is totally awesome, a gifted writer and communicator. Plus she helped me pull a B in college debate so she has my eternal gratitude forever.}

And I feel kind of alone, stuck up here in Alaska, 3-4 hours behind most of my readers (Google tells me there are 21 followers). The moose haven't even been by to see me lately.

Plus, I can't even articulate what my dreams are. I mean, I have them...but they are so ridiculous and my follow-through over the years has been so abysmal, I feel like I can't even WRITE it down.

So . . . there it is. Bare on the page. I feel alone and left behind, stuck three weeks into the new year and afraid to say anything aloud because I'm afraid of failure, again.

Edited Monday Morning: Teri Lynne responded to my comment on her blog, and I feel marginally better this morning. She wrote:

Oh Pattie … I searched high and low for a photo of us! Because truly you are definitely a key part of the team that has influenced, encouraged, and loved on me! I am thankful for our friendship that began in August 1989 … and for the way the Lord has intertwined our paths time and again since that first meeting in Leslie Hall!!

So there you go . . . believe me, I considered throwing this post away, this little pity party. I may yet. But for now, it stays up. Hopefully it encourages those of you who are recipients of encouragement to encourage your encouragers--they sometimes feel depleted, empty, and alone.

My One Word for 2013: Dream

Dream.

OK, so this is a tough one for me. Because I'm not a dreamer.

Oh sure, when I was a teen, I dreamed of being a backup singer for Kathy Troccoli (I wanted her inimitable sense of style--plus her songs weren't too high), and I dreamed of writing a series of books like Little House on the Prairie or Anne of Green Gables.

Then I learned to make my dreams much, much smaller. Teacher, wife, mom of 2 girls.

Done, done, and done.

Not easily, and not always easily and with a bit of heartache, but . . . accomplished.

What's a reformed dreamer to do when her husband's next career takes her away from some of those accomplished dreams?

Well, she pouts, apparently. And she lets writing rejections and discouraging people get her down. She closes her eyes and heart to the people who are not discouraging, and she stops dreaming.

She heals. And the part of her she thought was dead is alive again, teaching again, healing.

But she's still afraid of rejection--the rejection of "We're sorry" or worse, nothing at all, to the words carved on the screen from her heart.

Enter 2013, themeless and "one word"-less.

Last summer, I went to a jewelry party, and I bought these bracelets for my girls. Somehow, though, I decided I needed one too, so I ordered three. The girls loved their little bracelets with the purple cords, lightweight and pretty.

Then I found mine, hidden in a drawer. And I knew. And I denied it.

But I knew.

I was afraid. Still am. Even now as I write this, knowing I need to share it for the handful of people who read this little blog in the corner of the blogosphere.

I had debated between "dream" and "prayer," because I will be writing a series of very basic, simple, hopefully inspired Bible studies at Wives of Faith on prayer this year. It sounds more lofty and holy to say "My word for 2013 is prayer."

And yet, here I am, with my tiny bracelet and my heart full of words to share, feeling fearful and afraid to dream.

As I read through the Bible this year, I have already started making notes, not only about prayer, but also about dreams. And I am following a writer I'd love to meet one day, as she inspires women to dream.

And I know I have people in my corner.

One of my other friends mentioned yesterday that sometimes words are friends, that they hold hands. I think she's right. Dreams and prayer are friends.


Special thanks to Melanie at Only a Breath for the custom "One Word" graphic. Thank you!!!

Past themes:
Brave (2009)
Focus (2010)
Grace (2011)
Listen (2012)

God Sized Dream

I attended a "Transitions of the Heart" webinar given today, and the speaker was author and blogger Holley Gerth, cofounder of the (in)Courage blog. What an encouraging time for me to listen to her answer questions about how to find our God-sized dreams, how to confirm them, how God affirms them.

It was, in its own way, an affirmation for ME. Because people who know me in real life as well as in my cyber-life know that I love writing, and that my big huge dream is to have a book published.

I'm not naive. I know this is a nearly impossible task. I read author blogs, and I keep up with publishing news. I know how very difficult, long, and hard the road to publication is. How fraught with conflict, littered with discarded pages and flash drives, marked by rejection.

I know. But God will not let me let go of this dream. This is why I believe it's from Him.

A very long time ago, I wrote a note to author Robin Jones Gunn, telling her I loved her books (it was when the Glenbrooke series was first beginning). She told me that I should pursue my dream of writing, and to get Sally Stuart's market guide and start writing.

Well, Robin, if you ever read this, I'm finally taking you up on that. (What can I say, I'm slow. Plus I had a full teaching career and two babies and several churches and hubby's job transitions all in there too.)

My goal is to get 10 articles out there, submitted to the world of publishing, by the end of the year.

Will God hone and refine my dream? Perhaps. Is it from Him? Well, I have to believe it is. It's been independently confirmed for me by many people, and not just my best friends and family--others who know me primarily by my work, not by my person.

Only time will tell, however, if it will ever come to fruition.

God Sized Dream

I attended a "Transitions of the Heart" webinar given today, and the speaker was author and blogger Holley Gerth, cofounder of the (in)Courage blog. What an encouraging time for me to listen to her answer questions about how to find our God-sized dreams, how to confirm them, how God affirms them.

It was, in its own way, an affirmation for ME. Because people who know me in real life as well as in my cyber-life know that I love writing, and that my big huge dream is to have a book published.

I'm not naive. I know this is a nearly impossible task. I read author blogs, and I keep up with publishing news. I know how very difficult, long, and hard the road to publication is. How fraught with conflict, littered with discarded pages and flash drives, marked by rejection.

I know. But God will not let me let go of this dream. This is why I believe it's from Him.

A very long time ago, I wrote a note to author Robin Jones Gunn, telling her I loved her books (it was when the Glenbrooke series was first beginning). She told me that I should pursue my dream of writing, and to get Sally Stuart's market guide and start writing.

Well, Robin, if you ever read this, I'm finally taking you up on that. (What can I say, I'm slow. Plus I had a full teaching career and two babies and several churches and hubby's job transitions all in there too.)

My goal is to get 10 articles out there, submitted to the world of publishing, by the end of the year.

Will God hone and refine my dream? Perhaps. Is it from Him? Well, I have to believe it is. It's been independently confirmed for me by many people, and not just my best friends and family--others who know me primarily by my work, not by my person.

Only time will tell, however, if it will ever come to fruition.